100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 27

pink rose flowers in a vase. shabby chic colors

Gratitude

I got in and out of the doctor’s office in half an hour.

Living vicariously thought the buying new home shows on HGTV.  Simi depressing is that how affordable places are outside of LA. Still dreaming of living in my own place.

Turn 40 years old goals. I forgot I have what I want to have when I turn 40 goals. Don’t really had to hit them all, but it will be interesting to see what I can get done in the next few years. 1) Career that I love. 2) See the Seven Continents:  (✓)Asia, (✓)Africa, (✓)North America, (✓)South America, (✓)Europe, Australia, and Antarctica. 3) Be a size 10-12.  4) Own my own house.  5) Married.

Eating. Setting timers to remind me to eat is slowly working. This was the first time during my night class where I wasn’t starving during or after class.

Home. Really packed day and so glad that I have my own place to come home to.

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 26

Meditazione al mare

Gratitude:

 

Mock site back on track.  Got the questions answered and I’m starting to do the site design this week. Client will be in China for two weeks, so there will be limit contact.

Having the rest of the year to get my live back in order.  Time to shift.  Working on dealing with my imposter syndrome with my first WordCamp Talk and trying not to self sabotage.  Getting my budget in line to start taking some graphic design classes next semt.  Looking for an internship or a pt in a design or web office.

Starting to making my unit, my home Ev.en if there is a chance that I will have to move by spring or summer, I will make it my home and enjoy it in the present. I realize being surround by boxes and a mess is effecting my mood.

Making plans to move back to LA city in 2-3 years and hoping to find a place that I can have my own bee hive. Really loved my old apartment in LA, and I was so happy living there. Miss walking down the LA river, my old neighborhood,  and stomping grounds.

Super King Market.  Buying food to meal prep to get my eating back on track.

 

 

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 25

Old rangefinder camera and black-and-white photos.

Gratitude

Learning to just let things go.  I am learning sometimes it’s not about trying to make things right, but when the timing is right, even when you want to nip it in the butt and move on.

Realization that I am in the right field. I spent 3 hours on the phone with a friend explaining about web design and strategy since she is learning about it at her new job.

Figuring out what was making me feeling sick for the past week. My tea jar was contaminated and I couldn’t see it because the tea was dark till I held it up to the light.

Beginning to start to feel like I’m starting to get back in my own skin again.

Looking forward to bed. Been up 48 hours and I’m tried but not sleepy. Need to get back on track.

 

 

 

 

Body Shaming

When I was a kid, I grew up in a baptist church when I was force to go. Was born bone thin as a kid, where people offer my mother money to feed me. My thinest size was a size 5 in HS at 5’10”. There is no photos of me in my teens or 20’s  in a bikini or a crop top showing my belly unless it was for a dance performance, which I would cover up right after we were done.  Between the church and my mother/family shaming me into always covering up my body and if I didn’t, I would get rapped or be a whore. Also, it would be my fault if I got rapped and then no decent man would want me as his wife. I learned to loath my body.

As I got older I gained weight, and put on that freshman 15 plus some. My family told me if I gain more weight, no man would want me. My bf at time, told me that I was fat and a hippo. I was a size 8/9 when I was dating him for two years, and ballooned into a 12, which was a really good size for my height. He started to tell me that he used to date models,  now he was lowing himself to dating me and to cover up my fat and ugly body.

When I was in my late 20’s in my Master’s program, my heath nose dived in 3-4 months I put on 40 pounds due to the mediation, with an additional 20 pounds ballon to a 16/18. I never weight that much in my life.  Then now in my 30’s, I  lost about 30 pounds, and then my ankle surgery, I put it back on. I am 3 times as big as I was in HS, 2 times as big in college, and starting to realize that I might have also kept the weight on because I believed people on telling me how fat and ugly I am, fulfilling their beliefs.

It would be lovely to say now I’m at the point of my life where I can say screw you, and live my life for me. It’s hard when I have bad programing in my head and my body isn’t working.  It took years to get into this mess and it will take years to gain back my body and heath as much as I can. Some of the damage is already done for good.  When I look at people who are bigger, I can see how beautifully they are but I can’t see it my own reflection. It’s a huge battle with my mind, and things that are already set in my head that my body will never be good enough but I just need to learn to be ok with that. I might not love it right now, but I need to learn to be ok with it. Baby steps.

 

 

 

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 24

A young woman is sitting on a rock by the sea

Gratitude

  • A lesson in letting go. Tried to nip something in the butt, however that the person is avoiding me. Just really hurts when close friend that you really cared, loved, adored, and felt safe with violates that trust by blatant disrespects you.
  • Beginning to start feeling hope again. It’s a battle to try to get to and stay in a good space when I am feeling isolated and abandoned.  Feeling like I backslide in my journey as a Developer but baby steps back on my path.
  • Sewing class. I have one more class left. It’s helping me focus and distract me during these trying few weeks.
  • Nap. I still feel like I’m completely drained but a 2-3 hour nap has helped.
  • Decide to try to control my heath more. Put a timer on so I stop skipping meals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 23

Peaceful woman relaxing at home with cup of tea or coffee

Gratitude:

Remembering to shine, even if it’s just a little glow as I slowly work on wiping away the dirt that blow over me for the past two years.  *cue “this little light of mine” to start playing*

Be kind to myself.

Music. The vibrations and being surrounded by live music tonight is stirring and waking my sprint and soul.

My friends, my tribe, my chosen family.

My friends’ pets to snuggle with.

 

 

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 21

Close-up of tasty artichokes

Gratitude:

 

Got one of the books for my talk and I’m pretty happy that I hit most of outline points on target for the legal suggestions.  Decide to add the legal use of using the WordPress logo and name with your work.  So that’s anther thing I have to look into.

My new printer works well but somehow connecting it to my wifi,  reset my wifi router and  the wifi shows up however it’s not working. /palmface

I chatted with an old friend but I have to be better with bounders with time.

Looking forward to cleaning my home this weekend. I really need to make the space mines even with the storage boxes laying around.

One last weekend to have the whole place to myself before the front unit tenet moves in on Monday.

 

 

 

 

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 20

Beautiful girl in plaid dress with multicolored balloons and bag on countryside

Happiness:

Excite and scared at the same time. I got my flight, car rental, and room book to speak at WordCamp Sacramento.  Still am amazed I got picked and trying not to let the self doubt take over.  Hoping to pound out the talk by Friday and then hopefully, I can find people to run it over with.  Really excite to research everything, and trying to not to over think a 30 min talk.

Have to remind myself that I did tell myself if I apply and get accepted, I have to do it. I wanted to do it on a topic that I would have wanted to hear and I got that.  Always said I wanted my first WordCamp talk to be at a smaller venue and it is. Have to work on getting over my imposter syndrome and check this off my list.

100 days of Gratitude/Happiness: Day 19

Wonderland series - Drink me room

Gratitude:

My borderline stalker hasn’t found me. He’s a gift from my father’s estate issues.

Warning that I might have to move by next spring or summer. Gives me time to clean out some stuff and figure out what needs to be put in storage.

Front unit got rent out today. Last thing is waiting for the storage shed being deliver and built. Then this project is over.

Coding classes.

Got to do a costco run at the last min. One less errand to run this week.