Self care guilt.

Autumn time: cup of hot tea with lemon and scarf

Took a sick day off of school today because I really was exhausted, and not feeling well since last week.  I had everything packed and was about to go out the door, when I decide to listen to my body screaming at me.  Felt really guilty on missing a day but today was the day they started with WordPress, so if I need to miss a day today was the day.  I know it was a good call at the end but I’m still feeling really exhausted. Really hoping all the sacrifices I’m making to do this program is worth it at the end.

Feel discounted with my personal life, since I sacrifice that till mid May.  Lost about 6 pounds but I’m pretty sure it’s water weight since due to my asthma I’m very sensitive to the temper of water that I can drink and food I can eat. It makes things difficult because I’m not home till late at night.  Self care is very difficult in the situation I’m in. I’m glad I did take the day off.  Still feel guilty that I missed a day but I did some Javascript lessons. Eyes on the prize and I can’t do it if my body takes me down.

Breath…eyes on the prize.

Bleeding Heart Flower Bud on the Definition of Love

Eye on the prize as I’m putting my life on hold for eight more weeks for the Front End Dev Program.  Leaving the house at 5:30am each day and driving through 2-3 hours of traffic to get to school each day will be worth it at the end.  With school, my mom in the hospital, running her errands, all my doctor appointments, and my own errands I drive about 1,000 miles each week. In a way it’s good with all the driving, it’s the only time I have to myself to process life, cry, and listen to my audio book collection…might as well be productive.

For my health, I need to drop 10-15 pounds in the next few months for health issues. The doctor wants me to drop 30 pounds but baby steps with my ankle issues.  Really sucks when you can’t even really walk without limping or your ankle giving out. Starting last week, when I get to school I take a 30 min walk, and I eat a small breakfast. I realize that I don’t drink enough water, so I order a large hot water pump to bring to class with me.  Need to work on a meal plan that I can take with me since I’m on the road most of the time.

Got my grade sheet today and I have 94% for the first 5 weeks. We are on week 7 right now. I should have scored higher, if I wasn’t distracted with my mother in the hospital. I need to be kinder to myself.  Also for the program, I need to find a internship that starts in June/July.  That’s the next time I need to start forcing on.

Missing out on a lot of things in live with almost no social life but I have to remember that I can only get good at things one thing at a time. Right now it’s learning to coding stronger, taking care of my mom, and trying to take care of my own failing health. That’s all I can do. Can’t keep on pouring from an empty cup. There is nobody here to take care of me, the way I take care of other people.