(Personal Update) Day 90/90: Made it to the end of the Project 333 Challenge.

 

Project 333:

I really didn’t update it because I found it so easy once I have my clothing and items pulled. I used less then 33 pieces and I just had to remember to plan when to do my laundry or I would be out of clothing. At the end, I really don’t need that much clothing but I’m also too fat to wear clothing I think is cute.

Health:

My own health still isn’t statable but the warmer weather was helping till the Santa Ana Winds kicked in today…baby steps. I’ve been going to mat pilates twice a week, and recently add in 2 dance classes per week. It’s sorta of pushing my ankle, so I might back it down to one dance class a week. I need to lose the 30+ pounds since my ankle surgery. So that’s my next goal for the next 90 days to drop 10-15 pounds.

 

School:

It’s been a year and half since I decide to go back to school. Part of me is freaking out that I’m not learning fast enough but I feel inspired when I’m in class, so I know it’s the right step.  I have anther year and half left. Not going to cry if I don’t finish it.

Web:

I’m on one project right now but I really can’t take on any more till school is done for the semester and my heath improves. Thank goodness for the day job.  I really to get back on track with learning Javascript and learnt use illustrator better.

(Personal Post) “Don’t wait for things to get better.

Freeze motion of colored dust explosion isolated on black background

Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time.”

3:30 am a week ago, my friend was freaking about if she should break up with this guy she was with, via text because she was in bed with him. One of the reasons she didn’t want to let go, was because she didn’t want to die alone. I could relate to it. With all the deaths and now my mother’s illness,  I can see the temptation of settling with somebody just so I wouldn’t be alone.  I asked her if he makes her happy, She said Yes…eight years ago he did (They broke up 8 years ago and just recently reconnected), but not now. I told her, You have to decide if living like this for the rest of your life is worth it. Our time is limited. There are reasons why ex’s have an X in them.

When I saw the quote “Don’t wait for things to get better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time.” It reminded me that I keep on waiting for things to calm down to be happy to enjoy life, it’s not.  Watching my mom’s illness take it’s toll on her and not being able to do anything for her, I realize I really wish I have a partner to turn to. My friends, I know are at a loss for what to tell me with all these deaths in a short time. I thought of my friend’s situation. I can see the temptation of settling so you have somebody to collapse into and just hold you.

 When I was in the hospital room watching my mother, I realize that my fear of being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.   I’m not desperate to be miserable with the wrong person just so I wouldn’t be alone. However, I need to be open and be grounded to find a partner and I know it’s him when he refuses to give up on me, no matter what I toss at him (I have bad self defence mechanism that defaults automatically without me realizing it till way later. Has to be a guy that can see through that it’s nothing more than a smoke screen). I have an amazing life to live, and I don’t want to be surviving through it instead of enjoying it. My time is precious and I need to learn to value it more.

Not sure what life is bringing me but…

Beautiful flower rose on vintage dark wooden background. Selective focus.

3 more weeks left in my program before I’m on my own again. Almost burned out with the drive daily 2 hours each way.   Love the high of having projects to code daily, and trouble shooting in class. Must love it since I just completed 13 weeks so far. When to a beginner’s Ruby meetup today,  I spent most of the time talking about WordPress + trying to learn Javascript. I think I need to stick to WordPress + JS even through I’m Ruby/Rails curious.

So I asked myself what would be my dream job. Want something I can grow my personal coding and related skills in, and it can be flexible.  Something with coding front end in WordPress for a non/not for profit or social work/welfare related. I realize that working on Audrey Capital for Automattic, would be my dream job. Don’t know how to make that happen but it’s now my goal or a similar job to that.

My goal for the next 3 weeks:

  • Stop skipping meals
  • Drink 8 cups of water/tea a day
  • Finish resume
  • Finish Codetalk portfolio
  • Keep learning Javascript, whatever that means
  • Keep  on working on learning Git + Github

“Once you make a decision, …

open book with blank pages on wooden table with a cup of tea closeup. Copy space. Free space for test. Top view

the universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Decision
Decided late last year, I would stop letting the Imposter Syndrome effect me from heading into the tech industry full time, working with or around web development. When I decided, doors started and still am opening for me. I decided to learn Javascript this year. I when to a JS meetup in Jan. At this meetup, a lady talked about Codetalk a front end dev program for women. Googled it to find out that the deadline passed but I tried anyways.  48 hours later, I started the program.

Am really blessed for the timing of getting into Codetalk. My mother when into the hospital the same day I started the program and it kept me on track on working on my coding each day. Most of the stuff is review for me, but it’s helping me polish my code and jump start my JS. I have put my life on pause for my family over the 6 years, and coding is for me, as it’s helping me move forward with my life.

Starting to breathe life again, instead of just surviving it.  My mother’s terminal illness, there is only so much I can do and I’m doing my best.  Need to learn to make time to take care of myself, and deal with my own illnesses + ankle issues.   Am lucky that I have a roof over my head, a car that works, and food in my belly.  Really blessed that coding came back into my life when it did. It’s been my muse, my escape, my passion, and unexpected, it created an extended family that I’m blessed to have.

 

 

Self care guilt.

Autumn time: cup of hot tea with lemon and scarf
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Took a sick day off of school today because I really was exhausted, and not feeling well since last week.  I had everything packed and was about to go out the door, when I decide to listen to my body screaming at me.  Felt really guilty on missing a day but today was the day they started with WordPress, so if I need to miss a day today was the day.  I know it was a good call at the end but I’m still feeling really exhausted. Really hoping all the sacrifices I’m making to do this program is worth it at the end.

Feel discounted with my personal life, since I sacrifice that till mid May.  Lost about 6 pounds but I’m pretty sure it’s water weight since due to my asthma I’m very sensitive to the temper of water that I can drink and food I can eat. It makes things difficult because I’m not home till late at night.  Self care is very difficult in the situation I’m in. I’m glad I did take the day off.  Still feel guilty that I missed a day but I did some Javascript lessons. Eyes on the prize and I can’t do it if my body takes me down.

Despite it all, I know I’m pretty blessed.

close up view of sunflower flowers at the evening field

So happy I have the front end dev program to go to each day.  I was asked by a friend recently what makes you happy? I answered Coding. It’s the only thing that is keeping me going with all the things going around me.  At least I know, I have a place to live till Summer, after my program ends.  Starting to go down on my meds but my asthma started acting up again, so I might be back on them again. At least now, the doctor has some what of an idea what is going on.

Despite it all, I know I’m pretty blessed.

So happy I have the front end dev program each day to go to each day.  I was asked by a friend recently what makes you happy? I answered Coding. It’s the only thing that is keeping me going with all the things going around me.  At least I know, I have a place to live till Summer, after my program ends.  Starting to go down on my meds but my asthma started acting up again, so I might be back on it.

If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.

discovering new places

There is apart of me that is freaking out that if this is all a mistake.  If the past almost 3 years of WordPress, and learning to code again. I am  pretty passionate about code and things related to web design and dev.  This front end dev program is a gamble with how much I’m giving up to complete this program. Then somehow I need to make this work into a career in the next few years…well, at the end of this year realistically.  Putting my personal life on hold since I have to take care of my mother, my own health, and focus on completing this front dev program.  I’ve been pouring from an empty cup for a long time and that’s why my health is so bad.

Am very surprised on the people who are stepping up to check on me and I am disappoint in a few, but really not surprised. Not one word from a few people that I once consider closer friends. Actions speak louder then words and it’s something to keep in mind moving forward. I used to confront people in hopes it’s a misunderstanding, but life is too short to keep on pleasing  people who have a history of not valuing you.

I don’t expect things to be handed to me after I finish this program but I need to brush on my front end dev skills and learn Javascript. Hopefully, in 9 weeks when this program is over, my health will be improve a little better. There is a lot of hustling that I need to do to get an internship and hopefully, land a job in a studio or company in the next year…hoping it will be closer to where I live.

One thing this whole thing has taught me is to value your time. There are a lot of people who are going nowhere, and take you with them, if you don’t have a clear goal. They aren’t looking out for you, but how you fit into their own needs, while making it look like they have your best interest in mind.  I’m choosing who I spend my time around very carefully because I don’t have much time to spare.  Can’t keep on pouring from an empty cup and I’ve been doing that for years. That’s why my health is really bad and I’m paying for it now. Slowly refilling my cup and being selective on who I pour out to.

Learning not to panic/impatient with people.

alice_umbrella

I realize that over the past 2 years since my ankle surgery and my father +uncle passing, I start getting really anxious to the point that I was borderline having a panic attack.  Need to have whatever it was had to be done now, because I didn’t realize that I was panicking. I was told that grief and stress tends to manifest itself out in different ways with people. Didn’t realize till about 2 years later, the reasoning behind me getting  impatient with life/myself/people, is really from me panicking. Which is me not dealing with my stress and grief because I didn’t know how to process it with so much on my plate. Now with my mother’s health failing, and my own major health issues, I’m trying to deal with it face on because partly, I just don’t have time or the energy to run from it anymore.

Ying and Yang of Life…back in survival’s mode

Open vintage book with blossom branch of cherry-tree on wooden table. a cup of coffee

How my life is going for the past 4-5 weeks:

Negatives: My mother is hospital passing from a terminal illness for almost a month.  My health is pretty much shot and I’m at high risk for a heart attack or a stroke right now. My step father isn’t doing so well, that he might be going to the hospital.

Positives:  I am passing my Front End Dev Program so far, my HMO is slowly listening to me and I’m getting tests done,  a working car, a roof over my head, food in my belly when I remember to eat, and a bed to sleep in.  Really blessed that I have friends who randomly continually check on me, even knowing I might not reply for days. Thank you.

Overall: This is making me focus on what’s important to me. My family, my health, and my Front End Dev Program. I roll out of the house each morning at 6am to drive two hours one way to school, and then between all the errands and doctor appointments for my mom and me, I don’t get home till about 10/11pm each night. I’m exhausted.