Late Night Thoughts – Spirit of Be

(Personal Update) Day 90/90: Made it to the end of the Project 333 Challenge.

Project 333:

I really didn’t update it because I found it so easy once I have my clothing and items pulled. I used less then 33 pieces and I just had to remember to plan when to do my laundry or I would be out of clothing. At the end, I really don’t need that much clothing but I’m also too fat to wear clothing I think is cute.

Health:

My own health still isn’t statable but the warmer weather was helping till the Santa Ana Winds kicked in today…baby steps. I’ve been going to mat pilates twice a week, and recently add in 2 dance classes per week. It’s sorta of pushing my ankle, so I might back it down to one dance class a week. I need to lose the 30+ pounds since my ankle surgery. So that’s my next goal for the next 90 days to drop 10-15 pounds.

School:

It’s been a year and half since I decide to go back to school. Part of me is freaking out that I’m not learning fast enough but I feel inspired when I’m in class, so I know it’s the right step. I have anther year and half left. Not going to cry if I don’t finish it.

Web:

I’m on one project right now but I really can’t take on any more till school is done for the semester and my heath improves. Thank goodness for the day job. I really to get back on track with learning Javascript and learnt use illustrator better.

(Personal Post)Simplify my habits + Project 33

Simplify My Habits

Two hours daily routine
30 mins: Daily work on illustrator or Javascript skills.
30 min: Clean house + Donate/Get rid of stuff.
15 min each: Draw + Work on Blog + Ankle rehab + Self Care.

Weekly
Twice a week: Meal planing + pull recipes with shopping list.
Read/AudioBook: Two per month. Ideally, weekly.

Project 333
“…is the minimalist fashion challenge that invites you to dress with 33 items or less for 3 months.” – Courtney

“What: 33 items including clothing, accessories, jewelry, outerwear and shoes.”

“What not: these items are not counted as part of the 33 items – wedding ring or another sentimental piece of jewelry that you never take off, underwear, sleep wear, in-home lounge wear, and workout clothing (you can only wear your workout clothing to workout).” I’m also excluding what I’m wearing for medical/health reasons like my scarves and jackets.

33 items:
5 pairs of Shoes
5 Dresses
3 Skirts
2 Pant (including Jeans)
1 Necklace (my sun one)
1 Earrings
3 Bags (Pineapple, main one, lunch cooler)
8 tops (two dress tops, 5 everyday)
– with 5 items left

(Personal Post) “Don’t wait for things to get better.

Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time.”

3:30 am a week ago, my friend was freaking about if she should break up with this guy she was with, via text because she was in bed with him. One of the reasons she didn’t want to let go, was because she didn’t want to die alone. I could relate to it. With all the deaths and now my mother’s illness, I can see the temptation of settling with somebody just so I wouldn’t be alone. I asked her if he makes her happy, She said Yes…eight years ago he did (They broke up 8 years ago and just recently reconnected), but not now. I told her, You have to decide if living like this for the rest of your life is worth it. Our time is limited. There are reasons why ex’s have an X in them.

When I saw the quote “Don’t wait for things to get better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time.” It reminded me that I keep on waiting for things to calm down to be happy to enjoy life, it’s not. Watching my mom’s illness take it’s toll on her and not being able to do anything for her, I realize I really wish I have a partner to turn to. My friends, I know are at a loss for what to tell me with all these deaths in a short time. I thought of my friend’s situation. I can see the temptation of settling so you have somebody to collapse into and just hold you.

When I was in the hospital room watching my mother, I realize that my fear of being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not desperate to be miserable with the wrong person just so I wouldn’t be alone. However, I need to be open and be grounded to find a partner and I know it’s him when he refuses to give up on me, no matter what I toss at him (I have bad self defence mechanism that defaults automatically without me realizing it till way later. Has to be a guy that can see through that it’s nothing more than a smoke screen). I have an amazing life to live, and I don’t want to be surviving through it instead of enjoying it. My time is precious and I need to learn to value it more.

“Once you make a decision, …

the universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Decision
Decided late last year, I would stop letting the Imposter Syndrome effect me from heading into the tech industry full time, working with or around web development. When I decided, doors started and still am opening for me. I decided to learn Javascript this year. I when to a JS meetup in Jan. At this meetup, a lady talked about Codetalk a front end dev program for women. Googled it to find out that the deadline passed but I tried anyways. 48 hours later, I started the program.

Am really blessed for the timing of getting into Codetalk. My mother when into the hospital the same day I started the program and it kept me on track on working on my coding each day. Most of the stuff is review for me, but it’s helping me polish my code and jump start my JS. I have put my life on pause for my family over the 6 years, and coding is for me, as it’s helping me move forward with my life.

Starting to breathe life again, instead of just surviving it. My mother’s terminal illness, there is only so much I can do and I’m doing my best. Need to learn to make time to take care of myself, and deal with my own illnesses + ankle issues. Am lucky that I have a roof over my head, a car that works, and food in my belly. Really blessed that coding came back into my life when it did. It’s been my muse, my escape, my passion, and unexpected, it created an extended family that I’m blessed to have.

If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.

There is apart of me that is freaking out that if this is all a mistake. If the past almost 3 years of WordPress, and learning to code again. I am pretty passionate about code and things related to web design and dev. This front end dev program is a gamble with how much I’m giving up to complete this program. Then somehow I need to make this work into a career in the next few years…well, at the end of this year realistically. Putting my personal life on hold since I have to take care of my mother, my own health, and focus on completing this front dev program. I’ve been pouring from an empty cup for a long time and that’s why my health is so bad.

Am very surprised on the people who are stepping up to check on me and I am disappoint in a few, but really not surprised. Not one word from a few people that I once consider closer friends. Actions speak louder then words and it’s something to keep in mind moving forward. I used to confront people in hopes it’s a misunderstanding, but life is too short to keep on pleasing people who have a history of not valuing you.

I don’t expect things to be handed to me after I finish this program but I need to brush on my front end dev skills and learn Javascript. Hopefully, in 9 weeks when this program is over, my health will be improve a little better. There is a lot of hustling that I need to do to get an internship and hopefully, land a job in a studio or company in the next year…hoping it will be closer to where I live.

One thing this whole thing has taught me is to value your time. There are a lot of people who are going nowhere, and take you with them, if you don’t have a clear goal. They aren’t looking out for you, but how you fit into their own needs, while making it look like they have your best interest in mind. I’m choosing who I spend my time around very carefully because I don’t have much time to spare. Can’t keep on pouring from an empty cup and I’ve been doing that for years. That’s why my health is really bad and I’m paying for it now. Slowly refilling my cup and being selective on who I pour out to.

You know, I really didn’t have a real theme for 2016 till today.

With the way things are going, my theme is “It’s 2016, F**k it!” Honesty, despite everything is going on I am blessed. I have a roof over my head at least till summer, a working car, enough money to eat and put gas in the car, and enough credit on my cards to pay for my medical care. I can only take one day at at time and keep my eye on the prize this year is spending time with family (blood + chosen), healing my health, and creating my current web career.

Ying and Yang of Life…back in survival’s mode

How my life is going for the past 4-5 weeks:

Negatives: My mother is hospital passing from a terminal illness for almost a month. My health is pretty much shot and I’m at high risk for a heart attack or a stroke right now. My step father isn’t doing so well, that he might be going to the hospital.

Positives: I am passing my Front End Dev Program so far, my HMO is slowly listening to me and I’m getting tests done, a working car, a roof over my head, food in my belly when I remember to eat, and a bed to sleep in. Really blessed that I have friends who randomly continually check on me, even knowing I might not reply for days. Thank you.

Overall: This is making me focus on what’s important to me. My family, my health, and my Front End Dev Program. I roll out of the house each morning at 6am to drive two hours one way to school, and then between all the errands and doctor appointments for my mom and me, I don’t get home till about 10/11pm each night. I’m exhausted.

Self Love Challenge: Day 13

Self love change to work out despite my breathing issues. When to Bootcamp and Yoga today. Really didn’t want to and I can only do about 20% of bootcamp. It’s really just running 2 miles and some straight training. I just walk about a mile. Baby steps. I discover in class today, that I don’t care for that style of yoga and it’s a hard challenge for me to hold positions with my ankle injury. That might be axed till my ankle heals or gets surgery.

Self Love Challenge: Day Six

Learning to slowly love my fat rolls.

I thought I knew what “love handles” where, till this round of my life. They are like tire rolls on the side of my body. I’m learning to love them because it means that I am beginning to lose some belly weight or they wouldn’t exist on my body. They are a marker that I am starting to get healthier as I am very slowly reaching my goal when I start to shrink to give rid of them. Learning to love the fat rolls.

Body Shaming

When I was a kid, I grew up in a baptist church when I was force to go. Was born bone thin as a kid, where people offer my mother money to feed me. My thinest size was a size 5 in HS at 5’10”. There is no photos of me in my teens or 20’s in a bikini or a crop top showing my belly unless it was for a dance performance, which I would cover up right after we were done. Between the church and my mother/family shaming me into always covering up my body and if I didn’t, I would get rapped or be a whore. Also, it would be my fault if I got rapped and then no decent man would want me as his wife. I learned to loath my body.

As I got older I gained weight, and put on that freshman 15 plus some. My family told me if I gain more weight, no man would want me. My bf at time, told me that I was fat and a hippo. I was a size 8/9 when I was dating him for two years, and ballooned into a 12, which was a really good size for my height. He started to tell me that he used to date models, now he was lowing himself to dating me and to cover up my fat and ugly body.

When I was in my late 20’s in my Master’s program, my heath nose dived in 3-4 months I put on 40 pounds due to the mediation, with an additional 20 pounds ballon to a 16/18. I never weight that much in my life. Then now in my 30’s, I lost about 30 pounds, and then my ankle surgery, I put it back on. I am 3 times as big as I was in HS, 2 times as big in college, and starting to realize that I might have also kept the weight on because I believed people on telling me how fat and ugly I am, fulfilling their beliefs.

It would be lovely to say now I’m at the point of my life where I can say screw you, and live my life for me. It’s hard when I have bad programing in my head and my body isn’t working. It took years to get into this mess and it will take years to gain back my body and heath as much as I can. Some of the damage is already done for good. When I look at people who are bigger, I can see how beautifully they are but I can’t see it my own reflection. It’s a huge battle with my mind, and things that are already set in my head that my body will never be good enough but I just need to learn to be ok with that. I might not love it right now, but I need to learn to be ok with it. Baby steps.