Self care guilt.

Autumn time: cup of hot tea with lemon and scarf
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Took a sick day off of school today because I really was exhausted, and not feeling well since last week.  I had everything packed and was about to go out the door, when I decide to listen to my body screaming at me.  Felt really guilty on missing a day but today was the day they started with WordPress, so if I need to miss a day today was the day.  I know it was a good call at the end but I’m still feeling really exhausted. Really hoping all the sacrifices I’m making to do this program is worth it at the end.

Feel discounted with my personal life, since I sacrifice that till mid May.  Lost about 6 pounds but I’m pretty sure it’s water weight since due to my asthma I’m very sensitive to the temper of water that I can drink and food I can eat. It makes things difficult because I’m not home till late at night.  Self care is very difficult in the situation I’m in. I’m glad I did take the day off.  Still feel guilty that I missed a day but I did some Javascript lessons. Eyes on the prize and I can’t do it if my body takes me down.

Breath…eyes on the prize.

Bleeding Heart Flower Bud on the Definition of Love

Eye on the prize as I’m putting my life on hold for eight more weeks for the Front End Dev Program.  Leaving the house at 5:30am each day and driving through 2-3 hours of traffic to get to school each day will be worth it at the end.  With school, my mom in the hospital, running her errands, all my doctor appointments, and my own errands I drive about 1,000 miles each week. In a way it’s good with all the driving, it’s the only time I have to myself to process life, cry, and listen to my audio book collection…might as well be productive.

For my health, I need to drop 10-15 pounds in the next few months for health issues. The doctor wants me to drop 30 pounds but baby steps with my ankle issues.  Really sucks when you can’t even really walk without limping or your ankle giving out. Starting last week, when I get to school I take a 30 min walk, and I eat a small breakfast. I realize that I don’t drink enough water, so I order a large hot water pump to bring to class with me.  Need to work on a meal plan that I can take with me since I’m on the road most of the time.

Got my grade sheet today and I have 94% for the first 5 weeks. We are on week 7 right now. I should have scored higher, if I wasn’t distracted with my mother in the hospital. I need to be kinder to myself.  Also for the program, I need to find a internship that starts in June/July.  That’s the next time I need to start forcing on.

Missing out on a lot of things in live with almost no social life but I have to remember that I can only get good at things one thing at a time. Right now it’s learning to coding stronger, taking care of my mom, and trying to take care of my own failing health. That’s all I can do. Can’t keep on pouring from an empty cup. There is nobody here to take care of me, the way I take care of other people.

 

 

Despite it all, I know I’m pretty blessed.

close up view of sunflower flowers at the evening field

So happy I have the front end dev program to go to each day.  I was asked by a friend recently what makes you happy? I answered Coding. It’s the only thing that is keeping me going with all the things going around me.  At least I know, I have a place to live till Summer, after my program ends.  Starting to go down on my meds but my asthma started acting up again, so I might be back on them again. At least now, the doctor has some what of an idea what is going on.

Despite it all, I know I’m pretty blessed.

So happy I have the front end dev program each day to go to each day.  I was asked by a friend recently what makes you happy? I answered Coding. It’s the only thing that is keeping me going with all the things going around me.  At least I know, I have a place to live till Summer, after my program ends.  Starting to go down on my meds but my asthma started acting up again, so I might be back on it.

If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.

discovering new places

There is apart of me that is freaking out that if this is all a mistake.  If the past almost 3 years of WordPress, and learning to code again. I am  pretty passionate about code and things related to web design and dev.  This front end dev program is a gamble with how much I’m giving up to complete this program. Then somehow I need to make this work into a career in the next few years…well, at the end of this year realistically.  Putting my personal life on hold since I have to take care of my mother, my own health, and focus on completing this front dev program.  I’ve been pouring from an empty cup for a long time and that’s why my health is so bad.

Am very surprised on the people who are stepping up to check on me and I am disappoint in a few, but really not surprised. Not one word from a few people that I once consider closer friends. Actions speak louder then words and it’s something to keep in mind moving forward. I used to confront people in hopes it’s a misunderstanding, but life is too short to keep on pleasing  people who have a history of not valuing you.

I don’t expect things to be handed to me after I finish this program but I need to brush on my front end dev skills and learn Javascript. Hopefully, in 9 weeks when this program is over, my health will be improve a little better. There is a lot of hustling that I need to do to get an internship and hopefully, land a job in a studio or company in the next year…hoping it will be closer to where I live.

One thing this whole thing has taught me is to value your time. There are a lot of people who are going nowhere, and take you with them, if you don’t have a clear goal. They aren’t looking out for you, but how you fit into their own needs, while making it look like they have your best interest in mind.  I’m choosing who I spend my time around very carefully because I don’t have much time to spare.  Can’t keep on pouring from an empty cup and I’ve been doing that for years. That’s why my health is really bad and I’m paying for it now. Slowly refilling my cup and being selective on who I pour out to.

Learning not to panic/impatient with people.

alice_umbrella

I realize that over the past 2 years since my ankle surgery and my father +uncle passing, I start getting really anxious to the point that I was borderline having a panic attack.  Need to have whatever it was had to be done now, because I didn’t realize that I was panicking. I was told that grief and stress tends to manifest itself out in different ways with people. Didn’t realize till about 2 years later, the reasoning behind me getting  impatient with life/myself/people, is really from me panicking. Which is me not dealing with my stress and grief because I didn’t know how to process it with so much on my plate. Now with my mother’s health failing, and my own major health issues, I’m trying to deal with it face on because partly, I just don’t have time or the energy to run from it anymore.

I try not to give advice as a single person…

Cup of hot tea and cookies outside

unless asked, however I met with an old friend last night and broke that rule. He was really confused on why his gf is jumping down his throat for everything including when she knew he was going to leave town for work.  After listening to him complain about all the changes, I realize she husband him. That’s why everything shifted.

They started out as friends.  People have different standers for friends, then when you are in a romantic relationship with them. That’s one of the reasons why transitions from friendship to relationships don’t always work.  That’s also the reason why a lot of the friends with benefits that try to becomes real relationships, don’t work out. What people want in a causal relationship is to just have fun, feels good, and no stress (Keyword: of a real realtionship), but their expectations/standers in a relationship is a lot different. Expectations changes, and when the honeymoon period is over, you realize that wasn’t really a relationship but an infatuation/fantasy.  This is pretty common with the current hook up generation.

When they became an official item, he travels a lot and it’s the main part of his job. She knew it, and she knew that he loves his job.  What shifted is that she said she didn’t want to have kids because of her age, but now she is naming their children.  Now she talks about when they get married. Then gets mad at him when she knows he is really busy working and doesn’t call her at his usually time.  I was like she husband you, that’s what changed. You need to figure out if that’s the path you want to go with her because she has your wedding planned, and you should have given her a ring yesterday.  I know because I have been that girl in my early 20’s but I grew out of it by my mid 20’s.

Relationships aren’t easy.  It now takes a lot of convincing to get me to cross that line. If you can impress me and break through that wall, you have my attention.  Keeping it, you will have to work on it but once you have it, I am loyal and dedicated. I’m the type of woman, if even if I think you are wrong and tell you, I will stand by your side and go to war with you. I am like that with my choose family, and my romantic partners.  It’s also the stander I set for my chosen family and romantic partners.

 

You know, I really didn’t have a real theme for 2016 till today.

Peaceful woman relaxing at home with cup of tea or coffee

With the way things are going, my theme is “It’s 2016, F**k it!” Honesty, despite everything is going on I am blessed.  I have a roof over my head at least till summer, a working car, enough money to eat and put gas in the car, and enough credit on my cards to pay for my medical care.  I can only take one day at at time and keep my eye on the prize this year is spending time with family (blood + chosen), healing my health, and creating my current web career.