How my life is going for the past 4-5 weeks:
Negatives: My mother is hospital passing from a terminal illness for almost a month. My health is pretty much shot and I’m at high risk for a heart attack or a stroke right now. My step father isn’t doing so well, that he might be going to the hospital.
Positives: I am passing my Front End Dev Program so far, my HMO is slowly listening to me and I’m getting tests done, a working car, a roof over my head, food in my belly when I remember to eat, and a bed to sleep in. Really blessed that I have friends who randomly continually check on me, even knowing I might not reply for days. Thank you.
Overall: This is making me focus on what’s important to me. My family, my health, and my Front End Dev Program. I roll out of the house each morning at 6am to drive two hours one way to school, and then between all the errands and doctor appointments for my mom and me, I don’t get home till about 10/11pm each night. I’m exhausted.
Last week was a warm up, and tomorrow is going full throttle, school 7 days a week on the west side of LA. An hour and half drive one way but it’s going to be so worth it by the last week of April. I haven’t felt this happy and blessed in ages. I get to work on coding 5 days a week, and art 2 days a week. I’m also finally getting to see some of the referral doctors, I been trying to see for the past year. Finally, can start figuring out and tracing where my health issues are coming from to better address them.
Learning to love yourself to just give up all exception for the day when things are going right, and just take a mental day off. I spend most of the day stressing of all the things I should be doing but physically couldn’t due to my asthma issue. I gave up towards the end of the day and just wonder mindless between reading a book which I stop half way through because it turn into the conflicts of being a single working mom empowerment book, cleaning within arms reach, and writing till now. I’m going to be and hopefully get some sleep tonight.
“Fall in love with a person who enjoys your madness. Not an idiot who forces you to be normal.” – Unknown
Love myself to be open to love. One of the things I am changing this year, is be open to love. One of my friends said it has to be unconditional love. Put it out there into the universe, that as I’m creating this chapter of my life, I want a romantic monogamous relationship with a man to have adventures with, to grow together with, that will not give up on me, that will take care of me, is proud of me, and somebody that I can adore and spoil. It doesn’t have to end with marriage. A success relationship doesn’t have to last forever. That being said, I never been married, would like to be married once in my life and ideally staid married.
Need to break my pattern of being attract to emotionally unavailable men. They are usually boys unwilling to man up, which makes them great friends. That’s what also stops me from allowing them to cross the friend zone, but my heart is anther story. My heart roots for the underdog/dark horse, but it’s a bad gamble and I’m too old for that. Also I’m not a side chick or an option. Do not degrade me as one.
Relationships aren’t prefect. It’s on going hard work. I’ve always said the prefect relationship is two unperfect people unwilling to give up on each other. In the past few weeks, I realize I’m ready to start putting my heart out there and do the work. I’m not going out there for a hunt for a man, but I am being open to meet one or if things shift from a friendship, I’m willing to step forward and give it a try. Life is scary and short. I don’t want to keep on missing out because of fear of the pain from getting hurt.
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” ― M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth
Loving myself to valuing myself more then others. I have a close friend who survived cancer. She said when you almost lose your life, you realize how limited it is. She told me that I’m one of the rare people she keeps close. There is a chance that I might have inherited my mother’s terminal illnesses. I’m at the age where she was diagnosed with it and my health has started to fail these past few years. Don’t want to get tested because there is no cure or proven treatment that works.
I tend to value others more then myself. It’s partly because I was raised by my immigrant Grandmother, where in Asia it’s the We vs Me mentally we have in the western world. You treat the ones you love as family, and you do whatever you can for the. That’s why if I tell you I love you as family, it’s a higher place then just a friend. Also I’m a lioness and I’m sure there is self esteem issues in there also. I’m also bad with verbal communication but I’m very good with non verbal communication. That is also an Asian cultural thing. When I moved back from Hawai’i, I had to learn to verbalize what I need and I’m still working on it.
It’s not selfish to put your own needs first but stay humble and grateful. One of the things I am learning is that if somebody isn’t prioritizing you, put them on the back burner. Don’t waste your time with them and trying not to take a personally because they aren’t.
Loving myself to let go of my pride. I got an emergency appoint with the doctor today due to my breathing issues. The nurse told me to have somebody drive me because my coughing and shortness of breath would be a hazard. The doctor’s office was a 15 min drive at most. I was like I can deal with it. Should have called a lyft or uber. I was coughing and gagging too much trying to breath. I still don’t know how to ask for help or when to. I can’t keep on trying to do everything myself when my health is failing and I’m frustrate because I’m not great a verbal communication with my emotions.
Self love change to work out despite my breathing issues. When to Bootcamp and Yoga today. Really didn’t want to and I can only do about 20% of bootcamp. It’s really just running 2 miles and some straight training. I just walk about a mile. Baby steps. I discover in class today, that I don’t care for that style of yoga and it’s a hard challenge for me to hold positions with my ankle injury. That might be axed till my ankle heals or gets surgery.
Loving myself to be kind to myself. My coding skills is not where it once was. I took a few months off and I need to get back into the game. Need to stop talking down to myself but I hate that I’ve slipped. Each time I go to Dev Meetups and hang out with people who are doing Dev work, I really enjoy learning and see what they are doing. It inspires to me to do more. I think I need to figure out how to be in that environment more.
“You’re The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With”
I need to love myself to shift into hanging out with more motivate people. Love my friends but a lot of them are at different points of their lives then I am. Need people that are on the same path as I am to help motivate and grow me as I can for them. The other problem is that I need to figure out and narrow down to what I want to do.
Love myself to meal plan. I realize that I’m so used to not having a kitchen, that when I’m hungry I just grab fast food automatically. Not been getting real food in my body and it cost me a pretty penny when I do that.