When I was a kid, I grew up in a baptist church when I was force to go. Was born bone thin as a kid, where people offer my mother money to feed me. My thinest size was a size 5 in HS at 5’10”. There is no photos of me in my teens or 20’s in a bikini or a crop top showing my belly unless it was for a dance performance, which I would cover up right after we were done. Between the church and my mother/family shaming me into always covering up my body and if I didn’t, I would get rapped or be a whore. Also, it would be my fault if I got rapped and then no decent man would want me as his wife. I learned to loath my body.
As I got older I gained weight, and put on that freshman 15 plus some. My family told me if I gain more weight, no man would want me. My bf at time, told me that I was fat and a hippo. I was a size 8/9 when I was dating him for two years, and ballooned into a 12, which was a really good size for my height. He started to tell me that he used to date models, now he was lowing himself to dating me and to cover up my fat and ugly body.
When I was in my late 20’s in my Master’s program, my heath nose dived in 3-4 months I put on 40 pounds due to the mediation, with an additional 20 pounds ballon to a 16/18. I never weight that much in my life. Then now in my 30’s, I lost about 30 pounds, and then my ankle surgery, I put it back on. I am 3 times as big as I was in HS, 2 times as big in college, and starting to realize that I might have also kept the weight on because I believed people on telling me how fat and ugly I am, fulfilling their beliefs.
It would be lovely to say now I’m at the point of my life where I can say screw you, and live my life for me. It’s hard when I have bad programing in my head and my body isn’t working. It took years to get into this mess and it will take years to gain back my body and heath as much as I can. Some of the damage is already done for good. When I look at people who are bigger, I can see how beautifully they are but I can’t see it my own reflection. It’s a huge battle with my mind, and things that are already set in my head that my body will never be good enough but I just need to learn to be ok with that. I might not love it right now, but I need to learn to be ok with it. Baby steps.